Struggling with Teen Conflict? Here’s How to Work Through It
Always getting into arguments with your teen and wishing that your relationship was better?
Let’s get honest, who hasn’t disagreed with their parents as a teenager! It’s normal to have arguments with your teen as they begin to explore their independence and find their voice. However, having arguments daily is unhealthy and can be stressful, upsetting, and exhausting for everyone involved!
Read on to learn about nonviolent communication and how this simple technique can help resolve issues without blaming, shaming, threatening, or guilting people.
The 4 step technique:
#1 State the observation without evaluation
Only state the event that led to you wanting to talk with your teen:
“It’s 1 am and I see you’re not home yet”
#2 State the feeling that the observation trigger
Say how the observation makes you feel:
“It’s 1 am and I see you’re not home yet (observation). I feel worried (feeling)”
#3 State the need that is the cause of the feeling
Explain the need that isn’t being met (note: In Nonviolent Communication, a need is a universal human quality—like connection, safety, or understanding—that underlies our feelings and is not tied to any specific person, action, or outcome.)
“It’s 1 am and I see you’re not home yet (observation). I feel worried (feeling) because I need to know you’re safe (need).
#4 Make a request for action to meet the need
Ask your teen clearly and directly what you need from them. Don’t make it a demand, allow them to be able to say “yes” or “no” and give alternative suggestions to resolve the issue.
“It’s 1 am and I see you’re not home yet (observation). I feel worried (feeling) because I need to know you’re safe (need). Can you please call me if it’s past midnight so that I know you’re safe? (action request)”
Lost for words? Check out this feeling list and needs list!
Meet Jules Smith
Jules Smith, MEd, RCT, CCC, is a Halifax-based therapist who works with individuals navigating mental health challenges. Using a compassionate, narrative therapy approach, they create space for clients to explore their experiences, understand what’s shaping their stories, and discover new ways to respond to life’s difficulties.
