How to Manage Anxiety in Relationships

How the Nervous System Reacts

‘In a relationship, the nervous system might get reactive very quickly. So, what seems like an “okay” situation can suddenly be perceived as a dangerous [or] scary situation by our nervous system, and we get … triggered into feeling anxious.’ – Jane Donovan 

A partner may say something offhandedly and it could flare up a response in their partner. Or, someone might misinterpret the words or actions of their partner as being malicious when it was a simple but hurtful misunderstanding. 

Our nervous system doesn’t know the difference between real or imagined danger and will react the same in both situations. So, even if your partner didn’t mean to trigger you, you may respond as if it was an intentional misdoing. 

‘Sometimes it would be the subtlest thing that puts us off and we’re not aware of what’s happened to us but we just find ourselves feeling very unsettled or in that flight or fight response.’ – Jane Donovan 

Learn About Your Body

One of the first steps to unravelling the tension that unchecked anxiety in relationships can cause is to get better at identifying when it’s present within your body. 

Do you feel a tension in your stomach, tight shoulders or throat, or an urge to leave the room? Do you get aggressive, frustrated, or quickly aggravated? 

Knowing these signs and understanding that they come from an activated nervous system will help you to know when you need to step back and self-regulate for a while. 

‘We are all trying to manage these things. It does take a little effort and having some understanding and some acceptance … of what’s happening will help us be able to manage these things.’ – Jane Donovan 

Don’t Blame it On the Anxiety

Even though anxiety can feel overpowering at times, at the end of the day – no matter how strong the anxiety feels – you are the one that makes the choices you make. 

Blaming your reactions or decisions on anxiety can give context to the situation, however, by also not taking accountability for your actions,  it may harm your relationships because not taking responsibility can be detrimental to relationships. 

‘[it] can really tear apart some friendships, romantic relationships, family … because instead of taking ownership, you are just blaming the anxiety for what happened.’ – Julia Smith 

Reclaim Your Power

So, learning how to stand up to anxiety and not allow it to have full control is a necessary and doable step! 

‘If you are more of a reactor to anxiety, then maybe you need to take a deep breath. Stop and think about what’s going on. Maybe get out of the house for a bit and come back, ground yourself.’ – Julia Smith 

Do you react powerfully to the presence of anxiety? Take a big, deep breath. Another. Bring yourself back, think for a few seconds, and feel grounded in your body again before you take action. 

Do you avoid life when anxiety is present? Try to engage with it, even gently. Take small steps toward the goal of managing the anxiety enough so that you can engage more with the world and the life that you want to experience. 

‘When you notice [that] you want to avoid things, you might just [ask], “You know, what is anxiety telling me here? How is it pushing me around? Why is it keeping me from doing what I want to do?”’ – Jane Donovan 

You can take steps toward building and enjoying the life that you want without feeling anxiety tugging you around. It is possible, and help is ready for you when you need it!